On tonight's menu is a lovely polish girl named sascha with dissapointing breasts and a surprise caesarean scar. She will be polite and friendly but ultimately her performance will be lacklustre. She will chew gum throughout. I think it was Karen Carpenter who first said "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down". But i think we can take her opinions with a pinch of salt. Not to speak ill of the dead you understand. Me, I enjoy the rain. Hard, unrelenting rain. Fat, meaty rain. There's nothing more satisfying to my fragile mind. The noise the wipers make through their...

Falling in Love Across The West Midlands

author: a disturbed young man : Birmingham, UK

Carla was noticeably agitated as she attempted to navigate us around Birmingham’s sprawling hinterlands. The M40 became the M42 somewhere south of its shadowy perimeter, and westbound seemed a natural choice. Map reading does not appear to be one of Carla’s strengths, though this accusation could arguably be leveled at the majority of women. It has often occurred to me that navigational aptitude is tightly coiled up within the Y chromosome. In retrospect though it was perhaps a mistake voice my theory as an icebreaker. Defeated by the continuing silence, my imagination began to wander. I fancied myself in the place...

Falling in Love on the M40 Northbound

author: a disturbed young man : London, UK

Have I mentioned before that I do not drive? This is not altogether true. What is true is that I do not officially own a motor vehicle. What is true is that I do not possess a valid UK driving license, MOT test certificate, motor insurance certificate, or road tax. As far as the DVLA are concerned I am a non-entity. I simply can’t justify the overheads incurred during conventional car ownership. Where not so long ago you could sell a tainted car for scrap and make a small profit. The government now erect fairly hefty financial hurdles along this particular...

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